Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Egg Retrieval: Mission Accomplished

Got up at the crack of dawn today for egg retrieval. We arrived at the office around 7:30. RE popped his head in and gave us a little pep talk. He said my response to the meds was a nice surprise. He was very pleased I had 12-13 follicles. The nurse came in and gave me a gown, told me the only thing I could leave on was my socks. Anticipating this, I made sure to wear my most comfy, fuzzy, pink socks. Then, the waiting began. We sat in our recovery room from 8am to 10am waiting for my turn with the needle. During this time, both DH and I got a bit testy now and again, however, we were buddies by the time they took me away for the procedure.

For those not familiar with the egg retrieval process here are the steps:
1. Enter procedure room and get an IV in the hand
2. Scooch down on the table until your bottom is in a hole and you feel like you're about to fall through
3. Put legs in "leg holders" similar to the stirrups, but a bit more involved so legs remain in the air while unconscious
4. RE inserts u/s probe with needle attached into the vaginal canal, as each follicle comes into view, the needle is advanced and the egg is sucked out of the follicle and goes through a tube directly to the embryology lab
5. Patient is helped off the table and wheeled in a wheelchair back to recovery room
6. Patient is hooked up to machines to monitor vital signs for about 15 minutes and given juice and crackers
7. *warning, gross alert* Patient escorted to the bathroom where she must empty her bladder or bowels and show the nurse the contents of the commode before flushing (a very elementary way for the nurse to check that bodily functions have returned)
8. Homeward bound via DH
9. Lie on the couch all day trying to ignore the painful bloated cramps emitting from parts of your abdomen you never felt before

When I got wheeled back to the recovery room the RE told DH we got 9 eggs from the procedure. We will get daily updates on their maturation and growth. If they grow appropriately, we will transfer embryos on Friday or Sunday. It's a nail-biter from here on out.

*A funny side note as reported to me by DH: When I got wheeled back into the recovery room, DH said something like, "you don't look so bad," my response, "I want a divorce." I have no memory of this and am not sure what I was thinking. DH chalked it up to being on narcotics. (He was very attentive the rest of the day.)

Shots in the Bum? Piece of Cake!

Just gave self the first Progesterone In Oil shot. This intramuscular shot is done nightly for two weeks after egg retrieval. This is normally called the 2 week wait (2ww) because I will take a pregnancy test at the end of the 2ww. If I am pregnant I will continue the shots throughout the first trimester.

I feel proud of myself for finally doing the pio shot. I've been dreading it since an ivf friend warned me about the very fat, long needle 2 years ago. It was uncomfortable and physically difficult to twist around and hit the target which is, after all, behind me. I'm currently sitting on a heating pad to fend off the bruises and large welts often associated with these injections. I'm also smiling because I've cleared a hurdle that has frightened me for years.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Retrieval

Quick update:
On Sunday I had an ultrasound and bloodwork. Follicle growth slowed down, but my estrogen level went up indicating 1) I had not ovulated and 2) the follicles were growing. The nurse called and told me to take my hcg shot to trigger ovulation on Sunday night.

The hcg shot is a long needle in my backside. It went well, thankfully. I am going in tomorrow morning for egg retrieval. I am nervous about the pain and the potential for bad news. I feel like I may have already ovulated thus rendering this cycle an absolute bust. I won't know if I have ovulated until after I come out of the anesthesia after retrieval.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Bloodwork Drama

My current RE's office is run efficiently. I speak to a nurse each time I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound monitoring. My only (minor) concern is, the nurses do the blood draws and in three years of infertility, I've never had such horrible pain and bruising from simple bloodwork. I currently have 5 bruises on my arms. At yesterday's appointment the nurse was really rooting around trying to get the vein. It took about 3 minutes of digging before she latched on to it. Three minutes may not seem like a long time, but time yourself for three minutes while digging a needle deep into your arm, it will feel like a lifetime.

Today's draw was done by the same nurse. After a few minutes and several pokes in my right arm, she switched to the left and dug around for several more minutes before finding the vein. I've never had problems like this before. I used to hate the internal ultrasounds. Now, I spend my time worrying about which vein they will be able to tap tomorrow morning.

Follicle Growth

Things have been going well (fingers crossed) since Thursday. I had another electro-stim acupuncture session on Friday which, hopefully, is bringing loads of blood to my reproductive bits.

On Friday, after 7 days of meds, I had the following follicles:

Right: 19, 16, 14.5, 10.5, 10.5, 9
Left: 14.5,12.5,10, 10

Today's ultrasound didn't look so great. A few new follicles joined the party and some follicles grew, but not much. Here are Saturday's results:

Right: 19.5, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12.5, 11.5
Left: 16, 14, 13, 11, 11, 9.5

When I asked the nurse about this, she said my previous ultrasounds had been done by a tech who usually measures "big." The tech I had today was certainly digging around and spending a significant amount of time measuring the follicles. My previous tech was very quick and not too intrusive. I don't know what to think. All I can do is wait until tomorrow's ultrasound and hope the follicles grow.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Stimulation Day 6: Update

It seems my ovaries are responding to the major amounts of Follistim I'm giving them. On Tuesday I went in for an ultrasound. They found 5 follicles. Not too bad for a high fsh'er. Here is the rundown:

Right: 11,9.5, 9
Left: 8,8
The sizes were on target, so I was happy.

Wednesday, I had electro-stim acupuncture. Yes, the needles in my body were hooked up to an electric current. I have been dreading the treatment for months, but felt the time was right for me to try it. Fast forward to...

Thursday ultrasound and bloodwork revealed 8 follicles! Quite a pleasant surprise. Maybe the electric acupuncture was a good idea after all. Here are today's stats:

Right: 16, 13.5, 11, 9, 9
Left: 12, 10.5, 10

Now, I will go in daily for ultrasound and bloodwork until the follicles are mature enough for ovulation. That should be around 22. Tonight I will start a medication that inhibits ovulation. This will, hopefully, allow some of the smaller follicles time to mature. Egg retrieval will be early next week. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

Monday, February 20, 2006

General Malaise

Day 3 of stimulation meds and things are going well with the shots. No gory stories to share yet. Unfortunately, this cycle has me so distracted, I'm finding it difficult to attend to all other aspects of my life such as: job, pets, graduate school, personal hygiene. Yes, it's come down to that, I'm actually too distracted, preoccupied, lame and/or lazy to remember to brush my teeth these days. Thankfully, I'm also in such a sorry state, I haven't left the house in 3 days so the general public has been spared from dealing with my dental funk. Nice, huh?

At least my house is clean. When I've got the blues, it absolutely drives me crazy to sit around an untidy house. During stressful times, I make the most of my hibernation by writing up lots and lots of chore lists and robotically going about the house cleaning everything in sight. Last night, I even read my collection of magazines and catalogs that have been around since the Fall. The only problem is, I missed all the holiday sales so, reading the catalogs was a lesson in frustration- serves me right for letting them sit around for so long. Am I the only one who can't bear to throw out a catalog before reading it? It's a curse.

Well, I've successfully wasted 20 minutes of my day without touching my graduate work, taking the dogs for a walk or trimming my fingernails- all things in dire need of my attention. Now, I'm off to hunt down our lovely new puppy who has been strangely quiet, no doubt contentedly chewing on another pair of shoes or perhaps the cats tail.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ruminations on Visualizations

Starting stims the day after tomorrow. Today, I'm really dreading this cycle. DH will be out of town for most of the stims. I'm beginning to wonder if he planned that so he could avoid the inevitable mood swings, crying jags and overall misery. I don't really blame him. Sometimes, I wish I could take a vacation from myself.

A good friend lent me her visualization cd. The first time I listened to it, I was in the car and it almost put me to sleep. Note to self: no meditating behind the wheel. I'm going to use the cd this weekend and mentally will my follicles to grow. I'm afraid they'll be as stubborn as me and not grow just because I asked them to.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Insurance Verdict

Green Light.
Called the RE today and the nurse said my insurance issue got cleared up and the cycle is on. I'm not sure how I feel, kind of nervous and excited. I'm also sad. Today, it hit me, it's finally come to this. I didn't get my miracle- I'm going to go through ivf. I have always hoped I'd get pregnant before I made it to ivf. Nope, nada, didn't happen. Progesterone in Oil, here I come. (PIO shots are huge, painful shots in the tuckus. I will give them to myself daily during my two week wait-yuck- but, admittedly, well worth it.)

The Plan.
450 iu Follistim 2X per day
75 iu Luveris 1X per day
Antagon 1X per day
HCG trigger shot
Egg retrieval
Embryo transfer
PIO shot 1X per day for 2 weeks

The nurses at my clinic are very nice and nurturing, unlike the "other clinic" where most of them ignored me after hearing about my fsh level. My new doctor didn't even test my fsh this month. He told me that he already knows it's high so why bother? He's a glass-half-full kind of guy and that's just what I need right now. I'm very glass-half-empty these days. I wish my cup would just runneth over...

Monday, February 13, 2006

Almost a Green Light

Had a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork done today. I stopped bcp last night. The ultrasound showed 10+ antrals which is good for a high fsh'er. I met with a nurse to talk about when to start injects and she told me everything is delayed because they cannot confirm I have insurance coverage for ivf.

I was told to continue bcp until they can verify I have coverage. I will take bcp for one more day but that is all I'm willing to do. High fsh patients should not be on bcp for longer than 14 days to avoid over-suppression of the ovaries. My last cycle (iui) was supposed to be an ivf but, the insurance company did not send my meds in time. Apparently, I am, yet again, being thwarted by Blue Cross.

And the beat goes on.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

One Step Closer to the Gut Shots

Called the RE yesterday, looks like we are very close to starting the inject stims for my cycle. I affectionately call the injects Gut Shots since I give them to myself in the abdomen. I've been on bcp for 2 weeks and will go in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Monday morning. I'm getting nervous about all the things that can go wrong with this cycle.

What if my lining isn't good on Monday?
What if they don't see any antral follicles?
What if my estrogen never rises?
What if I the follicles don't grow?
What if the follicles grow too fast?
What if the follicles stop growing?
What if my lining tanks and all the meds went to waste?
What if every follicle is empty and I'm totally out of eggs? (Can that even happen? If it can, I'm a candidate for it because everything most unlikely to happen- happens to me.)

My oh my, seem to be a bit of a downer lately. Bcp's do that to me, I feel worse on bcp than all the injects combined. This is why I never took birth control for long- thus resulting in my diagnosis of high fsh and failing ovaries, according to my sister's ob/gyn. Apparently, her doctor told her she dodged a bullet by being on bcp for years. The birth control kept her ovaries quiet and in check. Me, not so lucky. Her doctor, (who has never met me, never saw my medical chart, etc...) diagnosed me from afar telling my very fertile sister that if I had been on bcp all those years I'd be fertile now, like her. Nice. Of course, I take this all with a grain of salt since I've been to some of the best doctors in the Midwest who reportedly have no idea why my fsh is so high.

Very soon I will write a post about my diagnosis, high fsh. Right now, as I'm gearing up to start growing follicles for my ivf, I just don't have the nerve to jump back into the last 3 horrific years that got me here. More to come, later. Maybe, much later. If you really can't wait, google "high fsh." It ain't pretty but, thankfully, it's also not common at the age of 32, which is when I was diagnosed.

Onward and upward.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Unbridled Misery

Infertility is cruel. Each month feels hopeless but, there is always a small part of me hoping, praying, wishing for a miracle, a positive pregnancy test. It never happens though. The few times I've seen that double line on those horrible tests, my period has started before I've had a chance to share the news with anyone.

The crushing disappointment that invades my life month after month leaves me lifeless, unable to focus on anything but my empty uterus. Flashes of anger paralyze me when I see pregnant women with young children. Their contentment offends me and I hate myself for it.
I want my life back.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

For Whom the Blog Tolls

I'm eager to start "blogging" however, it feels like I'm writing a letter to no one. I'm not convinced anyone will happen upon my blog and begin reading, drawn in by my powerful prose. I suppose, to have readers, I need to tell my friends and family about my blog- yikes. Not sure I want to do that. I worry that somewhere down the line, I'll mention a person or event that will offend someone. I don't want to censor myself to avoid this. Do I simply not tell anyone about the blog thus, condemning it to a silent stream of consciousness?

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one there it hear it, does it make a sound?

Maybe I'll tell just a few friends I can trust. Friends that are not likely to get pregnant anytime soon, or friends that live so far away I won't be bummed out by their expanding belly. Telling DH is another story all together. If he reads this blog, it would feel like he were reading my diary. And I'm certain, one day, we will have an argument and it will drive me crazy that he has access to this blog and he will know all my private thoughts. I guess I could use it to my advantage, I could post about the tiff and always have the last word... tempting.

To those friends or family members who have found their way to this blog, let me say in advance, my rantings are not directed at you. This is simply a forum for me to vent my frustrations about infertility. I am truly happy for anyone who has been fortunate enough to get pregnant. I always wish I were pregnant but, I NEVER wish it were me instead of you.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Acronyms and Annoying Catch Phrases in the World of Infertility

AF= Aunt Flo or the start of menstruation
cd1= cycle day one or the start of AF
RE= reproductive endocrinologist
FSH= follicle stimulating hormone
e2= estrodial
p4= progesterone
IRL= In real life
DH= dear husband
IVF= invitro fertilization
IUI= intrauterine insemination
HSG=hysterosalpingogram
BBT= basal body temperature
BD=baby dancing (trying the "old fashioned" way)
IF= infertility
bcp= birth control pills

My first IVF

I've done too many iui's to count, really, I'm not sure how many I've done.. seven, maybe eight. To get the exact number I'd have to dust off some old files from my first RE and I'm not interested in revisiting those nasty days. So, after countless iui's I'm off on my first ivf and this blog will follow my journey.