My period started yesterday. Of course it did. It always does. It is a relentless reminder that I'm cursed with pms, monthly bleeding, cramps, bloat and weight gain: For Nothing.
I've been thinking about all my nots lately, so in an effort to get them out of my head, I thought I'd list them.
I'm not pregnant (big surprise.)
I'm not adopting.
I'm not a mother.
I'm not EVEN CLOSE to being a mother.
I'm not a beloved daughter.
I'm not happy.
I am the queen of the Pity Party, right? Its so freakin' hard to forget that I'm no where near being a mom. Parenting feels so far from me, that when I think about it, I literally can't breathe. My chest gets tight and I can't inhale. This has never happened to me before. I am hyperventilating because I'm infertile. For goodness sakes, why can't I get over it? Why can't I accept that I can't have kids? Barren. That word haunts me. Feels like it lurks over my shoulder, a red neon sign saying BARREN WOMAN. Feels like everyone knows I can't have kids. Am I wearing a scarlet letter? Is it obvious that I'm miserable (and barren)?
1 comment:
The word barren should be banned. I am ideologically opposed to it. It implies emptiness and dryness and yuckiness. And we have so many other things to give.
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