Can Someone Please Pass the Windex?

I've started this post three different times and erased them all. I simply don't know what to write. I'm in a strange place. I'm ready to start looking forward to the next cycle, but my mind won't allow me to forget the last one. Every time I begin to think about my next cycle, my mind flashes back to the nurse's words, "your beta was negative."

I feel like I'm being unrealistic by hoping the next cycle works. I wonder if I'm missing some important cosmic message the universe is trying to send me, as if I'm purposely plugging my ears while someone is shouting, "you're not meant to be a mother, just stop already!" Maybe it's no cosmic message, maybe it's just that voice in my head that gets obnoxiously loud when I'm at my most vulnerable.

How do we turn that voice off? I can fill my mind with other thoughts, but as soon as my mind becomes still, the voice is back along with images of needles and babies. I've stopped thinking about raising a child. Instead, I've entered into a battle to get pregnant, period. Some people see life through rose colored glasses. I'm wearing mud smeared goggles and I'm exhausted trying to see things clearly through them.