Thursday I will be meeting with my RE to discuss the failure of my ivf cycle and where we go from here. There are a few protocols that may help me produce a better crop of eggs. I've started investigating them and plan on taking a list of questions to our appointment. There is a chance I will miss my appointment because one of my coworkers passed away this weekend and funeral arrangements are on Thursday also.
My colleagues passing has (yet again) brought my faith into question. Sometimes I wonder why I was given the gift of infertility when everyone else in my immediate family is extremely fertile. Sometimes I simply can't stand my body. I feel it has betrayed me beyond forgiveness. My body has not only forbidden me to get pregnant, it has also decided to pack on an extra 30 pounds. I'm no willowy creature either, I used to be called petite, since gaining my hormone-induced, infertility weight you can simply call me short and squaty.
The problem is, when I was 30 pounds lighter, (you know, way back 3+ years ago when I was living a carefree, apparently fertile life) I was unhappy with my weight and appearance. Now, 30 pounds and many "visits to the stirrups" later, I'm still unhappy with my weight and appearance. This indicates that a) no matter what the scale says, I will most likely be unhappy and b) that dreaded number on the scale goes UP way easier than it goes DOWN. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that I'd better start appreciating my body now because she's a devilish one, with an eye for twinkies.
This brings me to the question of the day. How do I begin to appreciate my body? Let's face it, she hasn't done right by me in the last few years, but then again, she has fended off many a cold and flu while those around me suffered. My body has done a relatively fine job of maintaining my hair color, (with a little help from me attacking the stray grays.) My fingernails are rather attractive, (most likely from the crates of prenatal vitamins I've ingested over the years.) So, is that the answer, do I focus on all the good things my body has done for me and stop dwelling on the negatives? Is that possible when the negatives are so freaking negative?
I don't know the answer, but I do know, I'm not getting any younger. I wasted my 20's worrying about an extra 5 pounds, if I waste my 30's lamenting about crappy eggs, when will I break the cycle? Will I find something to ruin my 40's too? I think I'm turning into a malcontent. Yikes. Note to self, snap out of it- things could be worse. Maybe that's what I'll say in the mirror each morning, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, things could be worse."
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