Had a birthday in our house yesterday. DH turned 35. I think both of us are slightly bummed out since we thought we'd be parents by now. I'm 34, only a few more months until I turn 35. I used to love my birthday, now it's become a milestone for all the years we've been fruitlessly trying to conceive. DH was oddly upbeat yesterday. It could be because I got him a wicked, awesome bday present, or he may be reflecting on how happy he is to be married to a gal as swell as me or (the most likely reason) he is grateful that, for once, I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I was actually very nice to him all day, it was his birthday after all and I'm not completely heartless.
DH is a man born in the wrong century. When he's feeling like a dandy, he goes to a barber shop and gets himself a proper shave with a straight razor. For the past six months, DH has been toying with the idea of using a straight razor at home. I nixed the idea right away, DH is very handsome with killer cheekbones, he's just too pretty for scars, (in my humble opinion.) Well, after much thought, I bought him a straight razor for his birthday. Not just any straight razor, I did my homework and got him a good quality, could-cut-you-to-the-bone-in-an-instant razor. I did this as a show of trust. He's a grown man, if he wants to scrape a frighteningly sharp metal object over his face and throat in the wee hours of the morning, that is his choice. Who am I to stand in his way? He liked the gift and is doing some research before attempting the first shave. He's a cautious fellow, a good thing in this case.
I'm still enjoying being drug-free. I'm also beginning to gear up for the next ivf cycle. As soon as my period starts I will have an ultrasound and bloodwork done to see if I'm ready to start the drugs again. In the meantime, I've started to investigate adoption. I need a plan B, it alleviates the pressure and gives me something productive to focus on. DH is beginning to accept the notion that I may never have his children. Hmmm, even writing that sentence hurts. A friend recently told me that infertile women finally stop feeling flawed or infertile after menopause. In an odd way, I'm dreading to turn 35, but simply cannot wait to hit menopause. Did you ever think infertility could be so ridiculous?
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2 comments:
I'm glad his birthday present worked out. I usually come up with something lame for dh.
Here's the abstract we were talking about:
Feeling normal. Women's experiences of menopause after infertility
MCN Am J Matern Child Nurs. 2005 May-Jun;30(3):195-200.
Olshansky E.
Department of Health and Community Systems, University of Pittsburgh School of Nursing, Pittsburgh, PA, USA. olshane@pitt.edu
PURPOSE: To explore women's experiences of menopause after infertility. DESIGN: Grounded theory METHOD: Nine menopausal women, ranging in age from 48 to 72, with previous infertility, at various stages of the menopausal transition, including postmenopause, were interviewed in-depth. Three women had conceived a child after infertility treatment, three had adopted children, and three did not have children. The interviews were audiotaped and transcribed verbatim for data analysis. Data were constantly compared against other data, including previous transcripts, to look for evidence of data saturation. RESULTS: A core concept was generated, referred to as "finally feeling normal." After feeling abnormal during infertility, these women viewed menopause as a normal transition. They were able to reconcile some aspects of their infertility and embrace a feeling of normalcy. CLINICAL IMPLICATIONS: Menopause can be positive for women after infertility. Infertility contributed to a unique way of making meaning of menopause that was almost paradoxical: the notion that they can feel normal at the end of their "reproductive" years when they have struggled so long to actually be reproductive. Healthcare providers need to be cognizant of this possible response to menopause, and not automatically "pathologize" these women.
Thanks Lisacarol, I love it how everything you say can be backed up by a study. You've been such a reliable friend in more ways than one and I'm very appreciative and thankful.
Thanks again, D
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