Pregnancy test set for tomorrow morning at 7:30. I should get the results by early afternoon. I'm debating about letting it go to voicemail or answering the call at work. Chances are, I'll be devastated and need a moment to regroup.
I hope I can wait until I'm off work to listen to the message. Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? I'll have that phone glued to my clammy little palm ALL DAY, as I constantly check the signal strength and battery level. Oh, how I wish I were stronger. It would be so nice to fall apart in private. I'm clearly my own worst enemy.
So, this is my last post as a potentially pregnant lady. I feel I should warn you now, things may get pretty dark from here on out. I feel a storm a brewin'.
To all of you that think I should be more positive, let me put your minds at ease. Between the acupuncture, visualizations, prayers and healthy diet, trust me, I've got the positive vibe covered.
I simply feel the need to be outwardly vocal about my negativity because the hope that fills every cell in my body is almost excruciating. Anyone pursuing infertility treatments will tell you that, no matter the circumstances, we always hope (and kind of believe) this cycle is THE ONE. I must speak my negativity to balance out the hysteria bubbling in my brain.
I don't want to end this post. I don't want to eat dinner. I don't want to get in my pajamas. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want time to stand still. Because today, I'm potentially pregnant. So close to being in that exclusive, elusive club of motherhood. Tomorrow, I'll be back in the barren barracks. The dismal, smelly, infertility sweatshops are calling me back. But, oh, I've enjoyed my time in the sun, pretending I'm mother material. I've got to say it's been a nice ride and I hope to be back here soon.
Signing off.
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