I'm a teacher and summer is almost here. Some say the best reasons to go into teaching are June, July and August. I admit, there is a definite upside to working in a school. We get all of the major holidays off and a few random ones. Our work day ends by 4:00 and we don't usually have a boss breathing down our necks. Depending on the age of the kids you teach, your 20 little bosses could be breathing down your elbows.
It is difficult being infertile and working in a school. I simply can't get away from children and some days, like after my doctor gives me terrible news, children are the last thing I want to see. My students are disabled and I have all ages in my classroom, kindergarten thru fourth or fifth grade. Most days are very interesting, never a dull moment in my classroom.
Working with the disabled has helped me keep things in perspective. Due to the nature and location of my teaching position, I often have students for up to six years. Their whole elementary experience is spent with me. By the time they are ready to move on, we have usually formed enough of a connection that they feel like part of my family. They don't feel like my children, more like my cousins. After six years my stern teacher phrases have lost some of their shock value. The older students look at me like- is that all you got? Six years is a long time to be with some of these kids. In 10 years of teaching I've only had one student who I wish never went away. Of course, she moved away early with family members who are less than moral. It haunts me.
So I approach every summer break exhausted, excited and terrified of being bored. I generate several to-do/goal lists in a spiral notebook weeks ahead. My failed cycle has inhibited my planning so I decided to take a moment and write my list. Here are my summer to-do's and goals in no particular order.
1. Consult with one more doctor/ investigate laparoscopic surgery
2. Travel to the southern states to visit in-laws
3. Plant flowers and mulch in front yard
4. Ride my very cool red Schwinn bike at least 2x per week
5. Complete at least 2 more stained glass masterpieces
6. Lose 25 pounds
7. Get together with girlfriends at least 2x per week (possibly on the schwinn)
8. Housetrain dog (yes, Fidget is still a work in progress)
9. Spend no more than $250 at IKEA
10. Touch up navy blue living room wall paint
11. Touch up burnt red hallway paint
12. Touch up paint on ceiling
12. Get hypnotized so I never paint home anything other than eggshell
Not bad as a start. I expect to check off at least three of these things by August.
Wish me luck, will keep you posted.
Thanks for being there.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Confessions of a Serial Killer
I'm back, beginning to rise from the cocoon of disappointment that has insulated me since Friday. I can't think of anything except how guilty I feel for hurting my embryos. I feel like I killed them. Weird, morbid, dramatic, I know. I imagine my current mood is a combination of rising estrogen, progesterone withdrawal, exhaustion and plain old self-pity. Not an attractive combination, I assure you. Reality is, the embryo's chromosomes could have been abnormal thus resulting in their demise. Unfortunately, another likely explanation is, my body attacked the embryos because my immune system is in overdrive as evidenced by endometriosis and various other symptoms. At the end of the day though, when I'm lying in bed at night, I can't help thinking that I did it, I expelled the poor things instead of welcoming them. Can't get the thought out of my head.
I'm losing faith, feeling like I should stop the madness. I'm beginning to succumb to the finality of infertility. I actually considered what life would be like living childfree. In the world of infertility there are categories of resolution. We have (a) success, (b) success by other means (donor egg/sperm, surrogacy, adoption) and (c) childfree. I'd love success, am considering success by other means and until now simply banished the thought of living childfree. I never thought I'd feel living childfree would be less painful than infertility, until today. Today, on the way to work, I thought- I could live childfree. We'd travel, have a nice house maybe even a summer beach place. I surprised myself. I was happy picturing life without children. It felt luxurious. I've heard some people say that it's time to stop pursuing infertility treatment when the pain becomes worse than the need/want for a child. We're getting close to that line folks. Hopefully the break I take this summer will lure me back to the warm fuzzies of family planning. Right now, all I can think of is- I better not get pregnant. God will soon lose patience with a woman who coaxes embryos into this world only to reject them before they get a foothold.
Possibly as a penance, my period this month is horrible. I'm passing clots so large you'd think my ovaries just gave up and fell out. The good news is, I'm finally able to take Excedrin Migraine again. Oh, how I've missed my lovely white pills that take away the pain. I've also been indulging in caffeine every day. Yes, I said every day. If I'm going to be miserable, I'd rather have the energy to be a proper miserable person- honking at inconsiderate drivers, glaring at people who cut in line at the store, a gal needs energy for that. That's right ladies, you don't want to meet me in a dark alley these days. I'm a long way from cuddly.
I'm losing faith, feeling like I should stop the madness. I'm beginning to succumb to the finality of infertility. I actually considered what life would be like living childfree. In the world of infertility there are categories of resolution. We have (a) success, (b) success by other means (donor egg/sperm, surrogacy, adoption) and (c) childfree. I'd love success, am considering success by other means and until now simply banished the thought of living childfree. I never thought I'd feel living childfree would be less painful than infertility, until today. Today, on the way to work, I thought- I could live childfree. We'd travel, have a nice house maybe even a summer beach place. I surprised myself. I was happy picturing life without children. It felt luxurious. I've heard some people say that it's time to stop pursuing infertility treatment when the pain becomes worse than the need/want for a child. We're getting close to that line folks. Hopefully the break I take this summer will lure me back to the warm fuzzies of family planning. Right now, all I can think of is- I better not get pregnant. God will soon lose patience with a woman who coaxes embryos into this world only to reject them before they get a foothold.
Possibly as a penance, my period this month is horrible. I'm passing clots so large you'd think my ovaries just gave up and fell out. The good news is, I'm finally able to take Excedrin Migraine again. Oh, how I've missed my lovely white pills that take away the pain. I've also been indulging in caffeine every day. Yes, I said every day. If I'm going to be miserable, I'd rather have the energy to be a proper miserable person- honking at inconsiderate drivers, glaring at people who cut in line at the store, a gal needs energy for that. That's right ladies, you don't want to meet me in a dark alley these days. I'm a long way from cuddly.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Toxic Uterus Strikes Again
A bad B-movie title? Nope, just the story of my life.
Pregnancy Test: Negative.
I'm am so sick of my freakishly flawed body, I can barely stand to be in the same room as myself. Do you remember that feeling back in high school when some boy or gaggle of girls hurt your feelings so bad you felt sick? Don't we all have a memory or two like that? A situation that was so awful you know you'll never forget how it felt to live through it? I think this is one of those days. The only word to describe how I feel is gutted. As if someone carved out my organs and left a brick in their place. Gosh, what would I feel like if I hadn't been prepared for the negative? I shudder to think of it.
My last cycle left me sad. This cycle has left me angry. I can't believe I gave up chocolate and sushi for this.
Will post more later when I'm able to form a thought without an expletive.
Pregnancy Test: Negative.
I'm am so sick of my freakishly flawed body, I can barely stand to be in the same room as myself. Do you remember that feeling back in high school when some boy or gaggle of girls hurt your feelings so bad you felt sick? Don't we all have a memory or two like that? A situation that was so awful you know you'll never forget how it felt to live through it? I think this is one of those days. The only word to describe how I feel is gutted. As if someone carved out my organs and left a brick in their place. Gosh, what would I feel like if I hadn't been prepared for the negative? I shudder to think of it.
My last cycle left me sad. This cycle has left me angry. I can't believe I gave up chocolate and sushi for this.
Will post more later when I'm able to form a thought without an expletive.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's Day, Schmuther's Day
It is Mother's Day, I feel compelled to post something. I'm not sure what I want or need to write, well, actually I do know what I'd like to write but there is no need for a potty mouth on a Sunday. I just took communion for goodness sakes, I'm going to try to keep it clean until dinner at least.
And so, Mother's Day. Talk about a Hallmark holiday, gosh the amount of money invested in the promotion of this day is mind-boggling. There are even commercials dedicated to mothers. I simply can't escape the sugary images of doe-eyed moms, lovingly cooking dinner, surrounded by hordes of adoring children. I feel sorry for all my diabetic peeps out there, the sugary sweetness in the air can't be good for them. It must be getting in through their pores. Beware, good friends, the air is fraught with deadly nectar, keep your insulin close at hand.
I know I sound bitter, I guess I am, a little. But not for the reason you think. I betcha all think I'm bitter because I'm not a mother, right? Nope, that isn't the reason. I've never liked Mother's Day, not even when I was little. I didn't grow up in a Hallmark household. My mom wasn't the kind of mom you see in TV commercials. At least not at home. To the outside world she was soft spoken, kind and doe-eyed. Apparently, the effort required to keep up the charade took a lot out of her because when she came home she was pretty much the meanest bully I knew. Yet, every Mother's Day teachers would make us create sweet cards and wrap silly little art projects for our moms. All the kids would be so proud and excited to take them home. Blech. All I could think of is, what a way to waste a perfectly good paper doily and star stickers.
70's TV was filled with images of the way moms were supposed to act. I'd have given anything for a Mrs.Brady, Mrs. Ingalls or heck, I'd even take Mr. Roper. Instead, I got a cross between Thelma from Scooby Doo and the Hulk. In a nutshell, an angry know-it-all. My mom didn't really raise us, she basically gave birth and then did her best to avoid or humiliate us. I'm the youngest of three girls, I'm 34, sisters are 35 and 36. Some people would say my mom had it rough with three girls so close in age. The stories are legendary about how difficult it was with 3 kids in diapers at once. Everyone laughed at the recollections, but not us. My sisters and I knew we had already paid for any inconvenience we had created by being born.
Growing up in that atmosphere gave me the survival skills I'm using to get through my infertility struggle. This is bittersweet because, while I'm grateful to say I'm a survivor, I'd rather be able to say, my mom is helping me through my infertility struggle. She is not. When I grew up and was no longer her legal responsibility, my mom walked away and didn't look back. She keeps up with my life through my sister and knows enough about me to be able to brag to others about my successes. Although she never contacts me to acknowledge my accomplishments. My mom also knows about my infertility struggle, but she has never offered advice, support, or even given her fertility background so I can unlock the mystery of my fertility.
I spent some time on "the couch" and worked out my demons with a good therapist and a few too many trips to Target. And here I am, a perfectly functioning adult, not needing her support but always secretly wishing my mom would WANT to support me. Alas, she is MIA, as they say. My mom is still living in the house I grew up in, but she changed her phone number and never gave me the new one. That's sad, isn't it? I got over it a long time ago. I hardly think of it anymore, except on days like today, Mother's Day. I really don't understand my mother, she threw away the opportunity to be a parent, and I'd sell my soul for it. No, I'm not bitter about Mother's Day because I'm not a mom, that is something I have the power to change. I'm bitter because I don't have a mom, and I'll never be able to change that.
And so, Mother's Day. Talk about a Hallmark holiday, gosh the amount of money invested in the promotion of this day is mind-boggling. There are even commercials dedicated to mothers. I simply can't escape the sugary images of doe-eyed moms, lovingly cooking dinner, surrounded by hordes of adoring children. I feel sorry for all my diabetic peeps out there, the sugary sweetness in the air can't be good for them. It must be getting in through their pores. Beware, good friends, the air is fraught with deadly nectar, keep your insulin close at hand.
I know I sound bitter, I guess I am, a little. But not for the reason you think. I betcha all think I'm bitter because I'm not a mother, right? Nope, that isn't the reason. I've never liked Mother's Day, not even when I was little. I didn't grow up in a Hallmark household. My mom wasn't the kind of mom you see in TV commercials. At least not at home. To the outside world she was soft spoken, kind and doe-eyed. Apparently, the effort required to keep up the charade took a lot out of her because when she came home she was pretty much the meanest bully I knew. Yet, every Mother's Day teachers would make us create sweet cards and wrap silly little art projects for our moms. All the kids would be so proud and excited to take them home. Blech. All I could think of is, what a way to waste a perfectly good paper doily and star stickers.
70's TV was filled with images of the way moms were supposed to act. I'd have given anything for a Mrs.Brady, Mrs. Ingalls or heck, I'd even take Mr. Roper. Instead, I got a cross between Thelma from Scooby Doo and the Hulk. In a nutshell, an angry know-it-all. My mom didn't really raise us, she basically gave birth and then did her best to avoid or humiliate us. I'm the youngest of three girls, I'm 34, sisters are 35 and 36. Some people would say my mom had it rough with three girls so close in age. The stories are legendary about how difficult it was with 3 kids in diapers at once. Everyone laughed at the recollections, but not us. My sisters and I knew we had already paid for any inconvenience we had created by being born.
Growing up in that atmosphere gave me the survival skills I'm using to get through my infertility struggle. This is bittersweet because, while I'm grateful to say I'm a survivor, I'd rather be able to say, my mom is helping me through my infertility struggle. She is not. When I grew up and was no longer her legal responsibility, my mom walked away and didn't look back. She keeps up with my life through my sister and knows enough about me to be able to brag to others about my successes. Although she never contacts me to acknowledge my accomplishments. My mom also knows about my infertility struggle, but she has never offered advice, support, or even given her fertility background so I can unlock the mystery of my fertility.
I spent some time on "the couch" and worked out my demons with a good therapist and a few too many trips to Target. And here I am, a perfectly functioning adult, not needing her support but always secretly wishing my mom would WANT to support me. Alas, she is MIA, as they say. My mom is still living in the house I grew up in, but she changed her phone number and never gave me the new one. That's sad, isn't it? I got over it a long time ago. I hardly think of it anymore, except on days like today, Mother's Day. I really don't understand my mother, she threw away the opportunity to be a parent, and I'd sell my soul for it. No, I'm not bitter about Mother's Day because I'm not a mom, that is something I have the power to change. I'm bitter because I don't have a mom, and I'll never be able to change that.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
A Southern Kind of Sorry
After transfer some doctors tell you to stay in bed for a few days. I've even heard one doctor recommended no bending at the waist. Other doctors say it is okay to move around because it is helpful to get the blood flowing to the embryos and uterus. Patients that move around are supposed to take it easy. My doctor is in the second camp, thus my conundrum is, what does it mean to “take it easy?”
In my book, The Lazy Women's Guide to Life, taking it easy means, DH cooks for me, does the housework and tells me I'm pretty so I don't have to waste valuable energy putting on makeup or doing my hair. Is that going too far? Does that level of laziness mean I am not getting enough blood to my uterus? Maybe I should fix my hair and put on a bit o' blush. Actually, my doctor may not like that because I'd have an artificial glow which would mask a pale face thus not allowing us to see how my blood flow truly is. Dangerous, right? I agree, no makeup. He must just tell me I'm pretty while he is cooking and doing the housework. Now, if only I could get DH to agree.
On the day of transfer, I pretty much glued myself to LifetimeTV. For blood flow, I played with the dogs, walked to the bathroom and read a trashy novel. The day after transfer, yesterday, I did a couple loads of laundry, bathroom, made lunch, trashy novel. Today, my plan is to do a load of laundry, bathroom, trashy novel and TARGET. Yep, I am venturing out. Is that a good idea? I am suffering from an extreme case of cabin fever and feel the need for retail therapy (i.e. shop the Target clearance shelves.) Tomorrow is my last day off work this week. I plan on doing the ultimate in retail therapy, shoe shopping at DSW Shoe Warehouse. Nothing gets my blood moving like a roomful of discounted shoes. And since its strappy sandal season, I'm over the moon.
Which brings me to my question, am I lazy or just an obedient mother-in-waiting? Am I taking it too easy? My southern born and bred husband calls lazy people "sorry" as in, pathetic. An example of it's use in my home:
Me- Why haven'’t you taken out the trash yet?
DH (with southern drawl) BaCawse I'm bein' sorry
Me- Are you going to take the trash out soon?
DH (slowly drawls)
Ah thenk I'm gonna be sorry all day,
but you kin check agin tomorra
Loads of people and things are referred to as sorry in our home. He hasn't used that term in reference to me, not yet at least. In fact, a few times he has told me to go sit down and "take it easy."” Clearly, the definition of taking it easy is subjective. So, off to Target I go and if I drop something, I promise I won't pick it up, just in case bending at the waist really is bad for me.
In my book, The Lazy Women's Guide to Life, taking it easy means, DH cooks for me, does the housework and tells me I'm pretty so I don't have to waste valuable energy putting on makeup or doing my hair. Is that going too far? Does that level of laziness mean I am not getting enough blood to my uterus? Maybe I should fix my hair and put on a bit o' blush. Actually, my doctor may not like that because I'd have an artificial glow which would mask a pale face thus not allowing us to see how my blood flow truly is. Dangerous, right? I agree, no makeup. He must just tell me I'm pretty while he is cooking and doing the housework. Now, if only I could get DH to agree.
On the day of transfer, I pretty much glued myself to LifetimeTV. For blood flow, I played with the dogs, walked to the bathroom and read a trashy novel. The day after transfer, yesterday, I did a couple loads of laundry, bathroom, made lunch, trashy novel. Today, my plan is to do a load of laundry, bathroom, trashy novel and TARGET. Yep, I am venturing out. Is that a good idea? I am suffering from an extreme case of cabin fever and feel the need for retail therapy (i.e. shop the Target clearance shelves.) Tomorrow is my last day off work this week. I plan on doing the ultimate in retail therapy, shoe shopping at DSW Shoe Warehouse. Nothing gets my blood moving like a roomful of discounted shoes. And since its strappy sandal season, I'm over the moon.
Which brings me to my question, am I lazy or just an obedient mother-in-waiting? Am I taking it too easy? My southern born and bred husband calls lazy people "sorry" as in, pathetic. An example of it's use in my home:
Me- Why haven'’t you taken out the trash yet?
DH (with southern drawl) BaCawse I'm bein' sorry
Me- Are you going to take the trash out soon?
DH (slowly drawls)
Ah thenk I'm gonna be sorry all day,
but you kin check agin tomorra
Loads of people and things are referred to as sorry in our home. He hasn't used that term in reference to me, not yet at least. In fact, a few times he has told me to go sit down and "take it easy."” Clearly, the definition of taking it easy is subjective. So, off to Target I go and if I drop something, I promise I won't pick it up, just in case bending at the waist really is bad for me.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I'm PUPO! (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)
It was a great morning.
We transferred 2 embryos.
An 8 cell and a 5 cell.
An 8 cell is as good as it gets for a day 3 transfer. Embryos can be fragmented but still viable, my two were not fragmented at all. DH and I are very pleased and feel as though we've leapt a large hurdle. Our last ivf left us with one 4 cell to transfer. After that, we feared we were simply unable to create normal embryos. Today's result has calmed our fears. There are many hurdles ahead of us, implantation being the most vexing, but what happened today has renewed our hope.
Now, my plan is to relax on the couch for the remainder of the day. The only drawback is Lifetime is showing reruns. Heck, I'm feeling so good today I'd watch ESPN (okay, I take that back, I'm happy, not crazy.)
Thank you all for your support, will check back in soon.
We transferred 2 embryos.
An 8 cell and a 5 cell.
An 8 cell is as good as it gets for a day 3 transfer. Embryos can be fragmented but still viable, my two were not fragmented at all. DH and I are very pleased and feel as though we've leapt a large hurdle. Our last ivf left us with one 4 cell to transfer. After that, we feared we were simply unable to create normal embryos. Today's result has calmed our fears. There are many hurdles ahead of us, implantation being the most vexing, but what happened today has renewed our hope.
Now, my plan is to relax on the couch for the remainder of the day. The only drawback is Lifetime is showing reruns. Heck, I'm feeling so good today I'd watch ESPN (okay, I take that back, I'm happy, not crazy.)
Thank you all for your support, will check back in soon.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Holding My Breath
Dare I say it... the 2 embryos are still alive... and growing.
Transfer tomorrow at 9:30.
Won't say anymore because I'm way too superstitious, fearful of jinxing anything.
Except, may I take a moment to say,
OH MY FREAKIN' GOODNESS, THEY ARE ALIVE!
ALIVE, I TELL YOU, ALIVE!
Picture an old movie, mad scientist raising his hands to heaven screeching
ALIVE, THEY ARE ALIVE!
and you've got a picture of what is going on in my head.
Prayers, good karma, positive vibes needed. Thanks.
Transfer tomorrow at 9:30.
Won't say anymore because I'm way too superstitious, fearful of jinxing anything.
Except, may I take a moment to say,
OH MY FREAKIN' GOODNESS, THEY ARE ALIVE!
ALIVE, I TELL YOU, ALIVE!
Picture an old movie, mad scientist raising his hands to heaven screeching
ALIVE, THEY ARE ALIVE!
and you've got a picture of what is going on in my head.
Prayers, good karma, positive vibes needed. Thanks.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Friday Update
Got the fertilization report today. Out of 8 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature and 2 fertilized. If those 2 keep up the good work, we will transfer on Sunday. I'm nervous. I had 2 that fertilized in my last cycle and one of them arrested, or stopped growing (i.e. died) before making it to transfer, thus leaving me with one embryo at transfer. Of course, that cycle ended in a negative pregnancy test, I'm trying to push those thoughts out of my mind and keep my eye on the ball with this current cycle.
I'm hopeful, but cautious.
At times, I feel as though I'm standing on a train track watching a train coming toward me, unable to get out of the way. It's a nightmare in slow motion, I see disaster approaching yet I'm unable to get out of it's path. Then my thoughts usually turn toward optimism as I remind myself that I had two good eggs in my batch of 6. Thirty-three percent fertilization is a respectable number. So, I get happy, light-hearted, looking ahead- only to see the train approaching again. I feel certain I will, one day, look back on my cycles or this blog and wonder how I got through it. Kind of like the way I look back at junior high- how the heck did I get out of there alive and sane?
The nurse will call me tomorrow and tell me how the little ones are doing. I'll do my best to check back in and give an update.
Thanks for being there.
I'm hopeful, but cautious.
At times, I feel as though I'm standing on a train track watching a train coming toward me, unable to get out of the way. It's a nightmare in slow motion, I see disaster approaching yet I'm unable to get out of it's path. Then my thoughts usually turn toward optimism as I remind myself that I had two good eggs in my batch of 6. Thirty-three percent fertilization is a respectable number. So, I get happy, light-hearted, looking ahead- only to see the train approaching again. I feel certain I will, one day, look back on my cycles or this blog and wonder how I got through it. Kind of like the way I look back at junior high- how the heck did I get out of there alive and sane?
The nurse will call me tomorrow and tell me how the little ones are doing. I'll do my best to check back in and give an update.
Thanks for being there.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I Am Chicken, Hear Me Roar (A Retrieval Story)
Retrieval went well. We had the first appointment so didn't have to bite our nails in the waiting room too long. Since my veins are notoriously uncooperative, they didn't miss an opportunity to give me grief. The nurse anesthetist, put the IV in my left hand, then said the vein wasn't good (hurt like a bugger) and she made an attempt to put it in my inner elbow. After taking a painfully long minute to ponder the problem, the nurse put the IV in my right hand.
All the while, I was naked from the waist down, my legs stirruped high in the air, all my goods hanging out, as another nurse prepped me for the upcoming procedure. Nurse B, (as in between my legs) was trying to empower me and said something like, "this is your procedure, you're in charge" I told her it was hard to be brave and powerful with your cooch on display. Mercifully, she threw a sheet over me.
The best part of the morning was when my friend came to visit me in my holding cell, I mean my waiting room. I met L and her delightful family through infertility channels. It was a huge coincidence that she had a retrieval on the same day as me, in the same office. In true female-unity, we talked on the phone the night before and agreed to meet up and wear the same outfit- a slinky little number that tied in the back. L and her DH came to my room to chat as they waited for their turn with the needle. The DH's discussed man-stuff while L and I pondered egg count, egg quality, miscarriage and IVs. We must have looked quite funny socializing as if we were sitting in a quaint French bistro. Those of us struggling with infertility know that we'll take any port in a storm. Please keep L and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She has helped me immensely through this craziness.
Now, the numbers: 8 eggs were retrieved this morning. Currently, they are probably in the laboratory doing a dance with DH's sperm. Hopefully, it's a nice tango that will result in an embryo tomorrow. I'll get a fertilization report Friday afternoon. Last time, out of 9 eggs, 4 were mature and 2 fertilized. If you are the praying kind, please send one up for my eggs and also L's, I'd be much obliged.
Not sure when I'll post tomorrow. It's definitely going to be nail-biter until I know if any of the eggs fertilized. Time to batten down the hatches. Am getting scared, but trying to remain positive and powerful. I am chicken, hear me roar.
All the while, I was naked from the waist down, my legs stirruped high in the air, all my goods hanging out, as another nurse prepped me for the upcoming procedure. Nurse B, (as in between my legs) was trying to empower me and said something like, "this is your procedure, you're in charge" I told her it was hard to be brave and powerful with your cooch on display. Mercifully, she threw a sheet over me.
The best part of the morning was when my friend came to visit me in my holding cell, I mean my waiting room. I met L and her delightful family through infertility channels. It was a huge coincidence that she had a retrieval on the same day as me, in the same office. In true female-unity, we talked on the phone the night before and agreed to meet up and wear the same outfit- a slinky little number that tied in the back. L and her DH came to my room to chat as they waited for their turn with the needle. The DH's discussed man-stuff while L and I pondered egg count, egg quality, miscarriage and IVs. We must have looked quite funny socializing as if we were sitting in a quaint French bistro. Those of us struggling with infertility know that we'll take any port in a storm. Please keep L and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She has helped me immensely through this craziness.
Now, the numbers: 8 eggs were retrieved this morning. Currently, they are probably in the laboratory doing a dance with DH's sperm. Hopefully, it's a nice tango that will result in an embryo tomorrow. I'll get a fertilization report Friday afternoon. Last time, out of 9 eggs, 4 were mature and 2 fertilized. If you are the praying kind, please send one up for my eggs and also L's, I'd be much obliged.
Not sure when I'll post tomorrow. It's definitely going to be nail-biter until I know if any of the eggs fertilized. Time to batten down the hatches. Am getting scared, but trying to remain positive and powerful. I am chicken, hear me roar.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Prelude to a Pregnancy
I'm feeling shiny today. Eager, excited, the whole 9 yards. It is almost a giddy feeling, similar to the one I had when DH and I started trying to conceive eons ago. Back then, I had no idea our family-making journey was a one-way ticket on the Titanic. Now, I am sufficiently jaded, grumpy, and no longer bathing in my ignorant bliss. Yet, I am beside myself with joy and anticipation.
I know this reaction is, in part, due to the knowledge that if this cycle fails, like the last one, I will bounce. I'll hit the floor hard, then rebound back onto my feet. Possibly, a little bruised, but poised for battle. So, I can afford a bit of optimism and I'm going to ride this wave until I capsize.
My egg retrieval has been scheduled for 8:00 a.m. Thursday morning. I have butterflies in my stomach. Hopefully, they are making a nice nest for the little embryos.
Stats for the record:
Follicles
Left ovary: 21.5, 21, 19.5, 19, 14, 13.5, 10
Right ovary: 17, 13, 12, 11, 10, 5
e2> 2500
I know this reaction is, in part, due to the knowledge that if this cycle fails, like the last one, I will bounce. I'll hit the floor hard, then rebound back onto my feet. Possibly, a little bruised, but poised for battle. So, I can afford a bit of optimism and I'm going to ride this wave until I capsize.
My egg retrieval has been scheduled for 8:00 a.m. Thursday morning. I have butterflies in my stomach. Hopefully, they are making a nice nest for the little embryos.
Stats for the record:
Follicles
Left ovary: 21.5, 21, 19.5, 19, 14, 13.5, 10
Right ovary: 17, 13, 12, 11, 10, 5
e2> 2500
Monday, May 01, 2006
Sometimes You're the Windshield, Sometimes You're the Bug
Today, I'm the Windshield.
My ultrasound and bloodwork came back with good news. The follicles hit a growth spurt, I've got 5 that are currently mature. Here is the lowdown, (reminder: anything above 16 is considered mature.)
Left: 18, 17.5, 17.5, 17, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13
Right: 18, 12, 11, 3 big cysts
I'm considering this a minor victory. I didn't even mind the vein excavation that needed to be done to get a blood sample. I'm just happy that my body is cooperating. Could it be that my luck is turning? I'd pinch myself, but figured that would be overkill since I'll be sticking sharp needles into my tummy in a few short hours.
I've been on medication for 15 days straight and given myself 78 shots. During this time I've had one overdose, one underdose, 3 glasses of wine and a Starbucks coffee. All things considering, this was an easy stim cycle. I basically thought it was doomed since day one so I breezed through it thinking it would be cancelled any day. Unfortunately, this also means I indulged in wine and a Starbucks coffee during spring break. No use crying over spilled milk (or broken eggs, as it were) so I'm thinking positive and looking forward to retrieval.
Tentative plan of action:
Tuesday- 7:00 a.m. bloodwork and ultrasound
Tuesday evening- I give myself shot to trigger ovulation
Thursday morning- Egg Retrieval
Thursday thru Saturday- go crazy worrying if eggs fertilized or embryos grew
Saturday or Monday morning- Embryo Transfer
Stay close, will keep you posted.
My ultrasound and bloodwork came back with good news. The follicles hit a growth spurt, I've got 5 that are currently mature. Here is the lowdown, (reminder: anything above 16 is considered mature.)
Left: 18, 17.5, 17.5, 17, 13.5, 13.5, 13.5, 13
Right: 18, 12, 11, 3 big cysts
I'm considering this a minor victory. I didn't even mind the vein excavation that needed to be done to get a blood sample. I'm just happy that my body is cooperating. Could it be that my luck is turning? I'd pinch myself, but figured that would be overkill since I'll be sticking sharp needles into my tummy in a few short hours.
I've been on medication for 15 days straight and given myself 78 shots. During this time I've had one overdose, one underdose, 3 glasses of wine and a Starbucks coffee. All things considering, this was an easy stim cycle. I basically thought it was doomed since day one so I breezed through it thinking it would be cancelled any day. Unfortunately, this also means I indulged in wine and a Starbucks coffee during spring break. No use crying over spilled milk (or broken eggs, as it were) so I'm thinking positive and looking forward to retrieval.
Tentative plan of action:
Tuesday- 7:00 a.m. bloodwork and ultrasound
Tuesday evening- I give myself shot to trigger ovulation
Thursday morning- Egg Retrieval
Thursday thru Saturday- go crazy worrying if eggs fertilized or embryos grew
Saturday or Monday morning- Embryo Transfer
Stay close, will keep you posted.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
These Eggs Were Made For Hatchin'
Today's ultrasound appointment showed some major follicle growth. DH called me a hen today when I told him about the numbers of eggs in waiting they found. Hopefully, things are kicking into gear and we may do an egg retrieval on Thursday. Mature eggs are around 16, mine look like this:
Left: 16.5, 14.5, 13.5, 13, 12, 12, 12, 9
Right: 15, 11, 3 big cysts
Not sure what the bloodwork result is yet. The nurse had to really dig for the vein again today, chirping, "ohh, you're right, they really do roll away." If she had not already speared my arm, I would have given her the shut-up-and-focus look. It appears they will have to draw blood every day until retrieval. I was told if they could not get a vein in my arm they will try my leg or foot. Makes me wince just thinking about it.
In light of the current follicle growth, I have decided to become a very positive thinker. I have maligned this cycle from the beginning, dousing it with negative energy, imagine what will happen if I pour on some positive energy.
I will be the picture of positive thinking (or craziness)
Fingers in the ears, humming,
*These eggs were made for hatching
And that's just what they'll do,
One of these days these eggs are gonna
Hatch right into 2*
(Twins, that is. thinking big.)
More later.
Left: 16.5, 14.5, 13.5, 13, 12, 12, 12, 9
Right: 15, 11, 3 big cysts
Not sure what the bloodwork result is yet. The nurse had to really dig for the vein again today, chirping, "ohh, you're right, they really do roll away." If she had not already speared my arm, I would have given her the shut-up-and-focus look. It appears they will have to draw blood every day until retrieval. I was told if they could not get a vein in my arm they will try my leg or foot. Makes me wince just thinking about it.
In light of the current follicle growth, I have decided to become a very positive thinker. I have maligned this cycle from the beginning, dousing it with negative energy, imagine what will happen if I pour on some positive energy.
I will be the picture of positive thinking (or craziness)
Fingers in the ears, humming,
*These eggs were made for hatching
And that's just what they'll do,
One of these days these eggs are gonna
Hatch right into 2*
(Twins, that is. thinking big.)
More later.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
The Little Ovaries that Could
I've written this post 3 times since Tuesday and deleted them all. I've been going to the doctor for bloodwork and ultrasounds at the crack of dawn, every other day, for a week. Every day that I have a monitoring appointment, I wait until the late afternoon for the results, then I'm too tired and bummed to post, so I leave it for the next day . The next day comes and I begin to think that surely tomorrow's appointment will have a different outcome, so I ponder that all day and try to write about it in the evening, only to delete the post because I figure everything will change at the appointment tomorrow morning. Is this making sense? Forgive me, I just have to post the craziness that has been my life this past week. If it's hard to follow, maybe you could just reread this slowly, then bookmark the page, and the next time you have insomnia, read this post - it will surely put you to sleep.
My eggs are growing slower than a two-legged turtle. I've been on medication for 13 days and and my biggest follicle is 13. It should be around 20. They are not mature until 18 which means I've got at least 2 more days of medication in front of me. The doctors keep telling me to continue the meds and come back in two days to see how things are progressing. I've reached the point in my cycle where the shots in the stomach don't bother me, it's worrying if they will be able to find a vein to draw blood from that keeps me up at night. I've been blessed with rolling veins which means the nurses do all sorts of digging and holding of veins while (not so) delicately trying to spear one with a pointy implement. I'm the patient the nurses hate to see. I can tell. They often double-team me, two people, smacking my inner elbows, making me squeeze various spongy things to get the blood nice and plump in my tiny bloody highways. The first one takes a poke, digs around to no avail, pokes again, digs around to no avail. Finally, nurse #2 says she thinks she sees a good one, poke, dig, more digging...success. Its a nightmare. And my next one is tomorrow morning at 7am.
Thus far, the verdict on this cycle is: there is no verdict.
I don't really know anything except my ovaries are trying to get up that great big hill we call the Follicular Phase. They are being all dramatic about it, coughing and sputtering. I can hear them now,
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
I never liked that story anyway. I always wanted to say,
"Shut up already, quit with the 'I think I can' save your energy and get up the stupid hill."
Will keep you posted.
My eggs are growing slower than a two-legged turtle. I've been on medication for 13 days and and my biggest follicle is 13. It should be around 20. They are not mature until 18 which means I've got at least 2 more days of medication in front of me. The doctors keep telling me to continue the meds and come back in two days to see how things are progressing. I've reached the point in my cycle where the shots in the stomach don't bother me, it's worrying if they will be able to find a vein to draw blood from that keeps me up at night. I've been blessed with rolling veins which means the nurses do all sorts of digging and holding of veins while (not so) delicately trying to spear one with a pointy implement. I'm the patient the nurses hate to see. I can tell. They often double-team me, two people, smacking my inner elbows, making me squeeze various spongy things to get the blood nice and plump in my tiny bloody highways. The first one takes a poke, digs around to no avail, pokes again, digs around to no avail. Finally, nurse #2 says she thinks she sees a good one, poke, dig, more digging...success. Its a nightmare. And my next one is tomorrow morning at 7am.
Thus far, the verdict on this cycle is: there is no verdict.
I don't really know anything except my ovaries are trying to get up that great big hill we call the Follicular Phase. They are being all dramatic about it, coughing and sputtering. I can hear them now,
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
I never liked that story anyway. I always wanted to say,
"Shut up already, quit with the 'I think I can' save your energy and get up the stupid hill."
Will keep you posted.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Wanted: Positive Attitude
In true form, the nurse left me a message and gave me an incomplete bloodwork report chirping, "call me back if you have any questions." She called right before the nursing lines were turned off for the evening. Her message did not address converting the cycle to an iui. She simply said my estrogen is going up steadily and I'm supposed to continue my medication. Rising estrogen is good, I'm happy. I will go back tomorrow morning for another blood draw and ultrasound.
This cycle is very different than my first ivf. My current follicles are growing very slowly thanks to my drug du jour, Lupron. This is a good thing because follicles that grow too quick are often poor quality. My fingers are crossed that this drug combination is my golden ticket. It is just so hard to be positive.
I need a mantra, suggestions are welcome.
This cycle is very different than my first ivf. My current follicles are growing very slowly thanks to my drug du jour, Lupron. This is a good thing because follicles that grow too quick are often poor quality. My fingers are crossed that this drug combination is my golden ticket. It is just so hard to be positive.
I need a mantra, suggestions are welcome.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Updates and Overdoses
Had some bloodwork and ultrasounds done this weekend and my response to the current medication is less than stellar. I have 5 good follicles on my left side, but my right ovary has a cyst and 2 endometriomas on it. Don't ask me what an endometrioma is. I haven't googled yet. I know I've had them before, I think they are related to endometriosis.
The nurse will call me back later today with my blood estrogen level. This information will tell us how useful the 5 follicles are. This ivf cycle may turn into another artificial insemination if I don't get more follicles soon. I am fine with converting the cycle. I'd rather wait for better follicle results before undergoing egg retrieval again. The downside to converting is, I'll be cycling over the summer and I had hoped to be drug-free for a few months while I'm on summer break (I'm a teacher.)
Almost forgot to tell you about the weekend drama. I used the wrong syringe and gave myself a mega dose of Lupron Saturday night. I'm supposed to take .1 cc and I took about .4 cc. Had to page the doctor and confess my stupidity on Sunday morning. She was very nice about the whole thing. Turns out there was no real harm done. Just gave myself a whopper of a headache and a good story for the grandkids.
Will check in soon with bloodwork results. I'm on the fence about this cycle so please just cross fingers that the doctor in the office today has the wisdom to make the right call.
Many Thanks.
The nurse will call me back later today with my blood estrogen level. This information will tell us how useful the 5 follicles are. This ivf cycle may turn into another artificial insemination if I don't get more follicles soon. I am fine with converting the cycle. I'd rather wait for better follicle results before undergoing egg retrieval again. The downside to converting is, I'll be cycling over the summer and I had hoped to be drug-free for a few months while I'm on summer break (I'm a teacher.)
Almost forgot to tell you about the weekend drama. I used the wrong syringe and gave myself a mega dose of Lupron Saturday night. I'm supposed to take .1 cc and I took about .4 cc. Had to page the doctor and confess my stupidity on Sunday morning. She was very nice about the whole thing. Turns out there was no real harm done. Just gave myself a whopper of a headache and a good story for the grandkids.
Will check in soon with bloodwork results. I'm on the fence about this cycle so please just cross fingers that the doctor in the office today has the wisdom to make the right call.
Many Thanks.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Needles R Us
No more Lupron headaches, knock on wood. I've started my two other medications, follistim and luveris which means I'm up to 5 shots per day. My abdomen is starting to get bruised. I give myself all my shots, DH refuses, says I'm too much of a control freak. The bruising doesn't bother me because every once in a while, for shock value, I flash him my purple and blue stomach. He naturally feels sorry for me and that's usually good for a nicely cooked dinner or an ice cream run. I know, some of you nice gals probably think that is very manipulative of me, frankly, I agree. But, there is really no harm done, is there? And, need I remind you, if I didn't get my chocolate shake, I could get downright dangerous. So, really I'm doing DH a favor, right?
Okay you don't necessarily have to agree with that, but do you at least feel my pain? Poking sharp metal objects into my body certainly gets easier as time goes on, but the "ick factor" never goes away. We spend our lives avoiding sharp metal objects. Now, I fight with pharmacies to send me more, more, more! More needles, bigger needles, fatter needles- I need Needles! And a chocolate shake every now and then, so sue me.
*These are some of the needles I use during a cycle. The remote is there for perspective. Remember, the needles have to go all the way in. No big deal for the little ones, its that big guy on the bottom that makes me feel woozy when I look at it.
Okay you don't necessarily have to agree with that, but do you at least feel my pain? Poking sharp metal objects into my body certainly gets easier as time goes on, but the "ick factor" never goes away. We spend our lives avoiding sharp metal objects. Now, I fight with pharmacies to send me more, more, more! More needles, bigger needles, fatter needles- I need Needles! And a chocolate shake every now and then, so sue me.
*These are some of the needles I use during a cycle. The remote is there for perspective. Remember, the needles have to go all the way in. No big deal for the little ones, its that big guy on the bottom that makes me feel woozy when I look at it.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Score: Lassie 1, Lupron 0
I've started my Lupron shots. For months, I've heard legends about the headaches that come from Lupron, let me tell you folks, its all true. I got a splitting headache while leaving the grocery store today. It was the kind of headache that makes you want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over your eyes. My body alternated between hot and cold flashes as my mind tried to forget about the stabbing pain in my forehead that dripped down my face and made my gums feel weak.
Not being allowed to take any strong medicine, I avoided the drug dealer on the corner whose wares looked appallingly appetizing considering the amount of pain I was in. Instead, I fervently searched the house for the only thing I'm allowed to take, Tylenol. Not believing it would work, I took two. Forty-five minutes later, the pain was gone. This was, indeed, a Lupron-induced episode because my normal migraines don't respond at all to Tylenol.
And that is how Day 1 of ivf #2 went. On a positive note, I treated myself to a new booklight today so, I'm off to snuggle under my comfy blanket and read the last chapter of my semi-trashy novel. Life is good, right now, at this moment, I'm happy. I wish I could bottle it and save it for when the going gets tough, instead, I will enjoy the peaceful respite while it lasts.
Not being allowed to take any strong medicine, I avoided the drug dealer on the corner whose wares looked appallingly appetizing considering the amount of pain I was in. Instead, I fervently searched the house for the only thing I'm allowed to take, Tylenol. Not believing it would work, I took two. Forty-five minutes later, the pain was gone. This was, indeed, a Lupron-induced episode because my normal migraines don't respond at all to Tylenol.
And that is how Day 1 of ivf #2 went. On a positive note, I treated myself to a new booklight today so, I'm off to snuggle under my comfy blanket and read the last chapter of my semi-trashy novel. Life is good, right now, at this moment, I'm happy. I wish I could bottle it and save it for when the going gets tough, instead, I will enjoy the peaceful respite while it lasts.
Monday, April 17, 2006
...And We're Off!
A quick update to let my peeps know ivf #2 has officially started. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound done today. Bloodwork showed great hormone levels. The ultrasound showed clear ovaries, no cysts, with 16 antral follicles. Antral follicles are basically very early potential eggs. They may all grow into nice, plump, healthy eggs, but then hell would freeze over and pigs would start to fly so, to avoid the mayhem and greediness, I'm simply hoping for a few good eggs from this crop.
Cross all your bits for me. Gut shots start tonight, I'll let you know how it goes. To those that follow this sort of thing, I'm doing an MDL straight start cycle, high dose fsh with possible pgd. Translation: tiny shots the first few days, adding the big guns in near the weekend then sending a few cells off to Maryland to do some time under a microscope to see just how good/bad my eggs really are.
Sounds like fun, huh? Let the obsessing begin!
Cross all your bits for me. Gut shots start tonight, I'll let you know how it goes. To those that follow this sort of thing, I'm doing an MDL straight start cycle, high dose fsh with possible pgd. Translation: tiny shots the first few days, adding the big guns in near the weekend then sending a few cells off to Maryland to do some time under a microscope to see just how good/bad my eggs really are.
Sounds like fun, huh? Let the obsessing begin!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Happy Fertility Day!
It's Easter for most of the Christian world. I happen to be Orthodox so we will celebrate next week, but any way you look at it, there is positively NO ESCAPING images of EGGS and BUNNIES! Normally, I'm a fan of all things cute and fuzzy, this year however, not so much. Bunnies and eggs, how did I miss it all these years, this is a FERTILITY holiday! This is an excerpt from an article I found online today,
"Easter falls in the spring, the yearly time of renewal, when the earth renews itself after a long, cold winter. The word Easter comes to us from the Norsemen's Eostur, Eastar, Ostara, and Ostar, and the pagan goddess Eostre, all of which involve the season of the growing sun and new birth. The Easter Bunny arose originally as a symbol of fertility, due to the rapid reproduction habits of the hare and rabbit."
See, I told you, a FERTILITY Holiday. I always wondered how a bunny got connected to Jesus. Now we know, FERTILITY. As I've found out in the last 4 years, fertility is behind everything. There is simply no getting away from it. Lets play a game, name something and I'll connect it to fertility (Kind of like the Kevin Bacon game where you name an actor and connect them back to Kevin Bacon demonstrating that Kevin Bacon is the center of the entertainment universe.) Since we don't have the luxury of your real time input, I'll just throw out a few words that come to mind and play the game solo. No, I won't cheat, I will really give the words that pop into my mind.
Skyscraper (as in tall office building)--> phallic (enough said)
Macintosh --> apple --> Adam and Eve -->birth of the human race
New York --> Big Apple --> See above
Rain --> Native American Rain Dance --> Native American Fertility Dance
Can you see where this is going?
So, now I sulk and watch the annoying Ty Pennington on Extreme Home Makeover, where beautiful people take on fixer-upper homes thereby changing the lives of the families that live in them. Here's my question, when will they come up with Extreme Uterine Makeover?
Oh yeah Ty baby, have I gotta fixer-upper for you.
*Note to reader (and God): I'm really not anti-Easter, only anti-Easter Bunny. Thank goodness Jesus was resurrected because he'd turn over in his grave if he knew what Easter has turned in to...
"Easter falls in the spring, the yearly time of renewal, when the earth renews itself after a long, cold winter. The word Easter comes to us from the Norsemen's Eostur, Eastar, Ostara, and Ostar, and the pagan goddess Eostre, all of which involve the season of the growing sun and new birth. The Easter Bunny arose originally as a symbol of fertility, due to the rapid reproduction habits of the hare and rabbit."
See, I told you, a FERTILITY Holiday. I always wondered how a bunny got connected to Jesus. Now we know, FERTILITY. As I've found out in the last 4 years, fertility is behind everything. There is simply no getting away from it. Lets play a game, name something and I'll connect it to fertility (Kind of like the Kevin Bacon game where you name an actor and connect them back to Kevin Bacon demonstrating that Kevin Bacon is the center of the entertainment universe.) Since we don't have the luxury of your real time input, I'll just throw out a few words that come to mind and play the game solo. No, I won't cheat, I will really give the words that pop into my mind.
Skyscraper (as in tall office building)--> phallic (enough said)
Macintosh --> apple --> Adam and Eve -->birth of the human race
New York --> Big Apple --> See above
Rain --> Native American Rain Dance --> Native American Fertility Dance
Can you see where this is going?
So, now I sulk and watch the annoying Ty Pennington on Extreme Home Makeover, where beautiful people take on fixer-upper homes thereby changing the lives of the families that live in them. Here's my question, when will they come up with Extreme Uterine Makeover?
Oh yeah Ty baby, have I gotta fixer-upper for you.
*Note to reader (and God): I'm really not anti-Easter, only anti-Easter Bunny. Thank goodness Jesus was resurrected because he'd turn over in his grave if he knew what Easter has turned in to...
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